I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
