so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
