Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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