i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
