the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
