As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
