$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
