don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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