Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
