There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
