Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
