I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
