what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
