Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
