dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it hurts more in the daytime
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
