but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
