theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
