end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
