Ambien. No doubt about it.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
