If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
