the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
