T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
