this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
