Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
