If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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