I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
