just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
