i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
