I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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