I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
