I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
