My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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