i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
