Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
