I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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