At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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