I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
