Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
