I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
