By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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