i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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