I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
