i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
