All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize