my shit smells like andre
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
