now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
