I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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