you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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