she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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