I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
