they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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