I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
