no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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