i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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