If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
